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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:00 pm 
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I'll try to keep that in mind :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:34 pm 
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Be sure that you do. :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:46 am 
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Reviving an oldie

Economic Models explained with Cows
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide..

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 10:15 am 
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I'm cracking up here!!! :D

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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 1:25 pm 
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Those were great!! :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:11 am 
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DP.

Guess Hungarian report would be:

You have 2 cows.
They hate each other and they hate you too. There is never any milk
:(


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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 9:37 am 
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:lol: :lol: :lol: Great one Kryt. Though it does sound familiar. :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 1:01 am 
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Lord_La_forge wrote:
DP.

Guess Hungarian report would be:

You have 2 cows.
They hate each other and they hate you too. There is never any milk
:(

:(

Is there something happening in Hungary that we don't know about?

Mad78 wrote:
:lol: :lol: :lol: Great one Kryt. Though it does sound familiar. :wink:

Yeah, I think we've had the main part of the joke before - but this was a little longer :)

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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 2:52 pm 
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Krytos wrote:
Is there something happening in Hungary that we don't know about?


You don't want to know... the country is split apart to the lefties and the righties as it is in every country, but here it is a bit different: the two parties and most followers do HATE each other (even in families).
Besides, Hungary is the most gloomiest place in the World anyway
http://www.phespirit.info/gloomysunday/article_02.htm
http://ec.europa.eu/health/ph_determina ... ungary.pdf
And we make a good progress with suicide too: second place! (though I'm sure, we are first)

Fortunetly, I'm not badly infected :D (ok I've just ruined the most positive swr topic ever)
But make sure you supply me with enough quality jokes here, just in case... 8)


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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 3:07 pm 
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lol- only you would take a topic entitled "Jokes" and talk about a high suicide rate, LLF. Actually, no. Half a dozen other forum members would probably do that. Hell, even I would probably do that, and not just out of a desire to keep people from thinking that I'm generally chipper- just because I'd find that to be a semi-funny joke. Which is probably really, really morbid.

An actual (offensive) joke.

Two nuns are walking along when suddenly a pair of rapists jump out and attack them, committing their crime. "Father, bless him! He knows not what he does!" cries the first nun.

The second nun shakes her head sadly and says, "Mine does."

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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 11:21 am 
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:lol: :lol: :lol: That is actually a pretty good one Tofu! i will have to remember it.

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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 12:03 am 
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Dos: two beers, two Mexican beers
Ray: the guy who sells me beer
Me: the guy who drinks the beer
Far: A long long way to beer
So, I think I'll have a beer
La la la la la la beer
Tea? No thanks I'll have a beer
and that brings us back to dos


haha

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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 5:33 am 
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HAHA That was a good one E.

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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 10:25 pm 
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Ba-bump.

The forums appear to be dead of late, so I'm going to tell a somewhat dirty joke I recently heard, which I found quite funny. I imagine I'll receive a number of facepalms in response, but oh well.

A fellow walks into a bar and sees a jar full of ten dollar bills with a sign that says, "Ask how to win this." Curious, he asks the bartender, and is told that he must put ten dollars in to hear how to win. The man shrugs and places ten dollars in the jar. The bartender nods, and explains the contest.

"To win the jar you have to completely three trials. First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, by itself, without making a face. Second, there's a bulldog out back with a mean temper and a sore tooth. Using your bare hands, you have to reach into his mouth and pull out the sore tooth without killing the dog. Third, there's a 99-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You have to make things right for her."

Appalled, the man refuses, and turns to drinking with some friends. As the night wears on he changes his mind, though, and calls to the bartender, saying that he wants to try to win the jar of money. The man drinks the pepper tequila down and, though tears run freely from his eyes, he gets it all down without making a face. Then, stumbling, he goes out the back door toward the bulldog.

The patrons hear nothing but a series of loud barks and violent noises, until finally the barking stops and the man stumbles back in. He is cut up and bloody, but still stands determined. "Alright!" he yells. "Now where's the old lady with the sore tooth?!"

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 Post subject: Re: joke
PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 8:35 am 
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I'll raise your joke or some real world Call centre phone calls - not mine
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

Samsung Electronics
Caller:'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland . '

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

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